Inviting Our Children to the Table: Why every child deserves to see their place, even before they can take it

In early years settings we are talking more about “inclusion”, but true inclusion is more than adapting activities or planning for needs. It’s about belonging. It’s about visibility. It’s about ensuring every child knows, without question:

“There is a place here for you.”

Recently, in my consultancy work, I’ve been exploring the idea of inviting our children to the table, both literally and metaphorically.

The Physical Table: Mealtimes, Snacks, Group Moments

For many neurodivergent children, sitting at the table for lunch or snack can feel overwhelming and so we adapt and accommodate,  we offer flexible seating, movement breaks, or support elsewhere in the room and these are good, thoughtful adjustments. But what I’m noticing is this:

Sometimes, in removing the demand, we accidentally remove the invitation and  without the invitation, there’s no opportunity for the child to notice, to watch, to explore this social space in their own time and in their own way.

Not every child will be ready to sit.

Not every child will want to stay.

But every child deserves to see the table, to know it exists for them too.

The Metaphorical Table: Participation, Decision-Making, Community

There’s another “table” in our settings, the places where play happens, where learning unfolds, where decisions are made, where voices are invited. Too often, when a child finds it hard to join in group moments, circle time, messy play, or social games, we assume they’re “not ready”.

But readiness isn’t a fixed trait, it’s a relational experience. Children become ready when they feel safe enough, connected enough and welcomed enough. Which means that for some children…

Watching is participating, circling around the edges is participating, coming for five seconds and leaving again is participating, being on the periphery is still being in community

We don’t earn a place at the table by being “ready”.

We’re offered it because we belong.

Why Some Neurodivergent Children Can’t Sit at the Table Yet

Not because they don’t want to. Not because their families haven’t taught them. And definitely not because they are “defiant”. Here are some common, very human reasons:

·       Sensory overwhelm: noise, smells, visual busyness, unpredictable movement

·       Interoception differences: not feeling hungry/thirsty in the same way

·       Motor planning challenges: coordinating cutlery, positioning their body, sitting still

·       Social processing: too many social cues happening at once

·       Anxiety: fear of spills, fear of getting it “wrong”, fear of being noticed

·       Need for autonomy: mealtimes feel like a moment of control, not connection

None of these signal a lack of interest or capability, they signal mismatch, not deficit.

So what does invitation look like in practice?

It’s simple, relational and deeply human.

1. Keep their place visible: A seat is available, their cup and plate are still set out and there is no pressure to come, just a quiet signal: you belong here.

2. Bring the table to them

Portable snack bowls, floor picnics, offering food where they feel safe, or placing a small table where they already like to sit. This communicates: we meet you where you are.

3. Offer low-demand connection

A gentle “You’re welcome to join us anytime.” A smile. A visual sign. An open chair.

No persuading. No bribing. No forcing.

4. Invite without expectation

Some children need hundreds of low-pressure exposures before approaching the table feels safe.

We can wait. We can show up consistently. We can hold the invitation with softness.

5. Make the table itself neurodiversity affirming

·       Reduce noise

·       Provide quiet corners for eating

·       Use familiar cutlery or finger-food options

·       Offer cushions, movement seats, or standing spaces

·       Keep routines predictable

·       Allow co-regulating adults nearby

When the environment says “Yes”, readiness increases.

6. Celebrate proximity, not performance

If a child stands next to the table for 3 seconds today, that’s connection. If they watch from the door tomorrow, that counts. If they touch the back of a chair next week, that’s progress.

Belonging isn’t measured in minutes, it’s measured in willingness, curiosity, and trust.

The Heart of It All

Inclusion isn’t about making children sit. Inclusion is about making sure children know:

“Your place is here whenever you’re ready.

We won’t remove it.

We won’t rush you.

And you never have to earn it.”

Because for neurodivergent children, belonging isn’t just a feeling, it’s a foundation. It is what allows them to grow, explore, regulate, and eventually… find their own way to the table.

In their time.

In their way.

With us beside them